I’m thrilled to be joined by the fantastic Victoria Hayward who’s very kindly written something a little different for Track of Words, with an intriguing article deconstructing one of her successful short story pitches, and providing a fascinating insight into this lesser-seen aspect of the writing process. Bone Armour was published in Grimdark Magazine, and I absolutely loved it – it’s a genuinely bleak, brilliant, unconventional science fiction story – so I was delighted when Victoria offered to write about her pitch for it. Writing story pitches can seem like something of a dark art, so this article is perfect for anyone interested in pitching their own stories, or indeed anyone who just enjoys a behind-the-scenes glimpse of the writing process. Oh, and keep reading for a short excerpt from Bone Armour too!
WARNING: this article contains major spoilers for Bone Armour, so I strongly recommend you read the story before going any further. Click here to buy* the issue of Grimdark Magazine that contains this story.
With that said, over to Victoria.
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Victoria Hayward: This article is based on a successful pitch for a story that I wrote for Grimdark Magazine last year – Bone Armour, published in Issue 30, April 2022. I’ve benefited greatly from other writers sharing things like this, and am grateful to Michael for the opportunity to do the same here, and to Adrian from Grimdark Magazine for the kind permission to reproduce this.
This is just one example of a pitch, and there are many ways of writing them.
Bone Armour / Bone Factory – Hair Carpet Weavers x 1984
The great war has been raging for many generations. All of humanity across the occupied worlds must do their part. The entirety of life, culture and industry is focused toward the war. The first child of every family is sent off to fight, and because of the great distances involved in interstellar travel will never see their families again. Those left behind focus their efforts on making the armour their children will go to war in – a huge manufacturing effort involving the recycling, processing and crafting of recycling of bone from the war dead.
Except there is not really a war, there are no occupied worlds – there is only this world. The ‘war dead’ are in fact the first born children sent to ‘fight’ as well as those who die on the factory floors. Almost all of humanity lives in a world that is a hellscape factory, one which requires the lie of the war to continue making bone armour, the business of the corporation in charge.
This story takes place through a series of police reports, from an officer hunting a dissident through the bone factories. The great lie is slowly revealed throughout their reports. At the conclusion it is revealed that the policeman themselves was once a dissident, but given the choice of continuing to work in the bone factory, or escaping at the price of perpetuating the lie to their fellow citizens, they chose the latter, as does the dissident they catch. The policeman reflects on the inevitability of this, and that it is what allows the lie of the bone factory to continue.
Now you’ve read the pitch, here is some general advice I’d give when thinking about pitching, with examples as to how I tried to apply this myself to my Bone Armour pitch.
What’s being asked for?
Do research the outlet you’re pitching to. Have a good look at what they’ve been publishing, and in particular what they’ve been publishing recently. If you can chime with their current style, content and tone it shows that you understand what the publication is trying to do, and what their audience might want.
Before submitting my pitch, I spent time looking at what Grimdark Magazine publishes, and the sort of author they’ve published. GdM has an excellent and very clear submissions page which details this sort of thing, with the excellent summary about what they’re after – “just grimdark AF”. Bone Armour was the result of thinking about what this might mean. You’re always going to get a closer fit if you write ‘to order’ rather than try to shoehorn in something you’ve already written.
What to include?
Pitches normally need to be brief, as well as clearly outlining the core of the story. You’re going to need to treat this very differently to a ‘cover blurb.’ If you write a vague hook and hint at what’s going to happen, that’s not going to tell the reader what they need to know. You’re not looking just to intrigue the reader, but to ‘spoil’ the plot, laying out what happens, giving away any twists etc. This can feel really cold and weird, and takes a bit of getting used to. There’s a balance to laying everything out, but making sure it’s in a way that gives a sense of the character and emotional tenor of the story.
In the example pitch, I’ve tried to include the twist, how the story is told (through reports) and the emotional tone and overall message. Unusually for me, this isn’t really a character-focused story. This story was more about the ‘bigger picture’ of the situation, and the emotional punch (hopefully) comes from the realisation that there’s not one bad faction controlling everything, just lots of frightened individuals who feel unable to change anything and therefore perpetuate the dreadful status quo in this world.
Comparisons
Comparison with books and/or films can be a helpful shortcut to convey the tone of what you’re writing.
For this short, the comparisons I used were the books The Hair Carpet Weavers and 1984. I remember reading somewhere that some editors don’t like when writers exclusively use movie comparisons in pitches for written stories. I’ve no idea as to how widespread this is, but after reading that I always try and make sure at least one of my comparisons is with a book.
Info dumping
This is advice for the step after the pitch really, but is something to also take into account at this stage too. It can be really tempting to include loads of world building stuff, especially if you’ve done a lot of work on it. I’m reading Ursula Le Guin’s Steering the Craft at the moment, and I really like what she says about this, which is that “crafty writers…don’t allow Exposition to form Lumps. They break up the information, grind it fine, and make it into bricks to build the story with.” This is very important for the pitch of course, given the space constraints. You don’t have time to explain all of the details – you’re going to need to simplify things and prioritise the details
Hopefully, this is what I’ve managed to do with this story/pitch! Especially because the story is written in the format of formal reports, I don’t have the space to do a lot of descriptive writing about what things look like/how things work. I’ve had to select points at which using minimal language I can convey what is really happening in this setting. I’ve had to provide hints and steers without being able to be too explicit about anything. This is also so the reader slowly gets to see what’s happening as we build up to the reveal, but I’ve tried to mirror this in the pitch itself. A lot of what this story is about is the reveal, so I’ve tried to give some sense of that in the pitch, whilst spilling the beans about what happens so the editor can see the full shape of the story!
Test out your pitch
I’ve benefited greatly over the years from very kind friends and colleagues spending time providing me with feedback on my writing. It’s great if you can find a group of fellow writers you can swap with, but any reader feedback can be useful. Even if the person reading doesn’t feel as if they can give you detailed developmental input, their response, especially on something like a pitch, can be invaluable. When you’ve had to compress something down so much, it’s easy to lose sight of the big picture. Readers who are coming to the story cold can tell you if the pitch still makes sense and/or sounds cool after you’ve honed the story down to a few paragraphs. Any friend who will take the time to read and support you is a gem – but those who will give you tough feedback are absolute diamonds!
As well as seeking out readers, reading advice can be helpful. There’s loads of different suggested approaches out there. It’s taken a long while to find what works best, and I suspect it will be different for everyone. As a starting point however, Gav Thorpe has written some very helpful posts about this amongst other writing matters (on his blog, and Patreon).
Keep going!
If you don’t submit, you can never be accepted. You will get rejections, and they are tough! But they’re also part of the experience for every writer – and they do get easier (promise!). Learn where you can, and get tough feedback on your work whenever you can. You’ll feel really vulnerable doing this at first, but if you can come to treat it as a challenge in a positive way, the rewards of seeing your work develop and improve will be enormous.
Personally, I’ve found short stories to be a fantastic place to explore ideas and learn technique. They’re easier and faster to get input on, you can experiment more easily, and it’s much less of an investment in time than trying to learn via writing a whole novel!
Finally – do stay hopeful. Seeking publication is tough, and can be tiring. The path to publication is different for everyone, and as you can’t know when your break will be, it’s important to make sure the journey is enjoyable. What helped me was focusing on developing my craft, joining workshops and events for writers, continuing to explore new ideas, and finding a supportive community to keep me company along the way. If you do that, you’ll be better placed to take advantage of opportunities when they arise.
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ToW: How fascinating was that? It’s so interesting to see these insights into the pitching process, and to be able to relate them directly to a successful pitch. If that’s got you keen to read (or revisit) Bone Armour though, and think about how that pitch translated into the finished story, you’re in luck! Here’s a quick excerpt from Bone Armour, to whet your appetite.
Dispatch TM128-01:
Pursuant: Warrant-Officer Tamoh
Target: Bonecutter Second-Class Alto Meret
Report: Proceeding to apprehend Bonecutter Meret.
Meret is suspected of espionage and seeking to impede the war effort. Reports received indicate that he has been organising groups of malcontents with complaints about working conditions and firstborn tithe. Likelihood of civilian deaths is high if information countering the War Narrative is spread. Meret neutralised the previous Warrant-Officer (Buruh) who was sent to apprehend him.
Target considered highly hazardous to order.
Meret was last sighted in Habitation Zone F. Moving to apprehend now.
Warrant-Officer Tamoh
Control: request confirmation report received.
Report ends.
Dispatch TM128-02:
I have conducted a survey of Habitation Zone F, which consists of dense processing-adjacent residential blocks.
Bone-dust pollutant levels are high given proximity to the cadaver grinding facilities. Visibility is low due to malfunctioning ventilation. Respiratory protective equipment donned during investigations in this area. (New filters required, as per attached requisition claim ref: RWTM57.)
Citizens reported seeing an individual matching Meret’s description within the past few days in communal areas of Block F32.
Block F32 searched. Habitation is dense. Some black market victuals trading observed, in violation of Ministry of Hygiene and Provisions regulations. Reported to the appropriate Ministry officials (ref: MH0322).
Habitation apartment #673 (Row G9, Compartment 109) had been sealed for repairs. Seal was broken and facilities had been used. Located a bone-cutting implement with traces of blood on it. I suspect that Meret may have used it to dispatch Warrant-Officer Buruh. Evidence beacon-tagged for recovery agent collection (ref: RA2364).
I am working on the assumption that the attack on Warrant-Officer Buruh was reactive and that Meret does not pose an immediate physical risk. This is informed by Control’s decision to only send a lone agent: myself.
I will proceed to investigate the likelihood that the bone-cutting implement may have been left by Meret. I have consequently arranged to interview Zone F’s head armourer.
Ancillary Observation: The Skydome in parts of this district is degraded to an amber level. Some functionality has been maintained, however, as the sound of intermittent bombardment is still audible.
Control: request confirmation of report received and recovery agent dispatched.
Report ends.
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I’m sure you’ll join me in saying a huge thank you to Victoria for writing this brilliant article and sharing her pitch for Bone Armour! I’d also like to thank Adrian at Grimdark magazine for giving us permission to use both the pitch and the excerpt, and for commissioning this brilliant story in the first place.
Check out my review of Bone Armour
If you haven’t already read Bone Armour (I did warn you about spoilers!) but you’re keen to see how this pitch was developed into a full story, I definitely recommend you pick up a copy of Grimdark Magazine Issue 30! Check out the links below to order your copy:
*If you buy anything using any of these links, I will receive a small affiliate commission – see here for more details.
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Victoria Hayward is a historian by training, publicly funded artist and mother of birds. She is the author of The Carbis Incident and The Siege of Ismyr for Black Library and is a contributor to the academic anthology Travel Writing in an Age of Global Quarantine.
When not writing SFF she works in science communication, helping academics tell stories about their research whether it be on black holes or the palaces of despots. She spent one weird summer working in Westminster which has absolutely nothing to do with her interest in writing about dystopian bureaucracies.
Check out Victoria’s website for more information, and follow her on Instagram and Twitter.
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